And then there was five...

The family went to Arizona a couple weeks back. Marc graduated from University of Phoenix and we are SO PROUD OF HIM! We went to see him walk & recieve his degree. It was heartfelt and so deserved. He worked SO HARD over the last 2 years to accomplish this.

It was also heartfelt and touching because a new rush of hormones overcame my body causing me to be more (dare I say) emotional than usual.

I was late. I was stressed in May, which usually throws things off a bit with my cycle. While we were in AZ to ease our minds Marc bought a pregnancy test for me. I sat on the potty (yes, I a Mom) and peed on a stick.

I peed.

Very quickly. Very clearly.

Plus sign.

For those of you non parent people, my eggo is prego. A rush of dispair overcame me. How could I be pregnant? How could this happen? We have natural family planning down to a t (so I thought). 

And then, on that hotter than the sun day, we became a family of 5. I felt afraid, like I had done something wrong because I was pregnant. Like I should be ashamed of this, people were going to judge me because of this. I was also afraid because we parentals are now outnumbered. Marc and I both came from a 2 sibling family. We are treading into unknown territory! 

More and more I realize how the devil manipulates blessings into "curses". Why should I feel sad or in dispair? Children are a gift from God, Mother Teresa said "Having too many children in a family is like having too many flowers in a field".  It was still a challenge to swallow. Thank God for giving woman 9+ months of gestation to get warmed up to having another kid! 

This suprise plus sign tells me this, You are God and I am not. I have no desire to do anyone wills but Yours. Thank you for letting me and Marc partake in your gift of creation. 

It is funny. I love adventure. Like love it. I love the unknown and conquering it, for some reason this is hard to swallow. It is because it is unlike any adventure I would of ever planned and am not sure if I would of had a third kid had this not happen. 

I get to feel a baby kick in my tummy again. I was going to miss that.

I get to hear a newborn cry-which makes my heart skip a bit.

Ya, poopy diapers, another c-section, sleepless nights. I wouldnt trade anything to not know you little baby inside of me.

Joshie is very excited to have another little brother or sister. He says it will be a "baby girl". He also slipped to my parents that I was pregnant when he prayed during grace for "Mama's baby". Marc laughed it off like he was a silly toddler saying silly things. 

The start of something good

A dear friend of mine introduced me to Isagenix a few years ago. She raved about it, it cleanses your body, helps you clear your mind, provides your body with a new start. And of course, weight loss. hello!

Thankfully, at the start of the year I lost 20 pounds, low carb diet was good while it lasted but come on now...I love food. Carbs are my love language.

Last month I sat with my Mom and cried to her about feeling like I had soup for a brain and feeling down, I also was having a hard time sleeping. Anti-depressants came to my mind, which I am not opposed to, and am grateful for them (I took them for about 9 months after our second son was born). I thought, well maybe it was something I was needing to do again. Like I said, I am not opposed to that. But before I went that route, I knew I should give Isagenix a try.

I contacted Ryanne, got the info and received my 30 day cleanse package a week later.

Today is day one.

From what I hear the first few days are the hardest. From what I hear, I will have a renewed energy. I have confidence that this has helped others, but will it work for me? Do I have the will power to move forward into the next 30 days?

Faith

I have always thought I had faith but as I grow older I realize how little my faith is. I for so long believed in God and knew that he loved me but I always felt that something was missing. What it was was a fear to let go and trust in God. trust is faith often times I feel that God was showing me that he was watching over my family and he would give us little signs and I would thank him but it was too hard to completely trust him. The hardest thing about taking that leap of faith though is how far God will push you to see if you will really trust him. As I have begun to surrender myself to him I feel that he is either testing me or or allowing the evil one to test me much like Job he wants to see if I truly trust him. At times it has become hard and where I would normally become angry or frustrated or stressed I have done what as always been so difficult for me. RESORT TO PRAYER,  prayer has always been difficult for me trusting in God has always been difficult for me but now God has called my bluff and at times seems as if he is forcing my hand to see if I really do trust him. Total surrender is difficult for me it at times seems counter intuitive as a man; a man never surrenders because that shows you are weak. But I am weak and I need my God and although I think I can do it all on my own I cannot. Having children has shown me what that looks likes. Josh and Jacob both try to be so independent but are not fully and although they can do something’s ultimately still rely on me and Rita. The interesting thing is that they always trust that we can fix and do anything for them. Maybe that is what childlike faith is supposed to be. Not so much a wonder of God like a child has but a trust in him that he will let us fall to learn and he will let us try on our own o grown but that no matter what when we need help he is always there. That is what I see as faith, is knowing that I will always have a God who will take care of me.

Imprinting

Being a father has taught me many things in life. It has taught me to be patient, humble, fearless, and most of all responsible. Growing up responsibility had many meanings to me, it meant to keep my room clean, to go to work, to pay my bills, or to be on time when I was picking up Rita for a date. Fatherhood brings on a completely different meaning to the word responsible as any father could attest to. No longer can I stay out late or do whatever I want, gone are the times of staying out till all hours of the night and sleeping into any hour of the day. Now I am responsible for a life and not just one life but two. Josh and Jacob don't care that Rita and I stayed up late watching a movie they want to play or they want breakfast they do not understand dad is sick or dad is tired they expect dad to be dad. This means what? To take care of myself to make sure I am being healthy, to set a good example. Example that is the million dollar word, our children follow our example and do everything we do. To them mom and dad are awesome and children want to be like mom and dad. How do they do that? By imitating what we do, early developmental psychology talks about imprinting. This is when a animal imitates what it sees or what it understands its mother to be. Wither it is the biological mother to the animal or ducks perceiving a human as their mother. In the same way children imprint themselves in what they see in their parents and the world around them. Now this goes into so many different areas of development for instance Josh likes o hit things with his tools because he thinks that is what I am doing (sometimes I am), he wants to be like dad. I think is a way God reminds me of the important responsibility of being a parent. When Joshua was baptized Msrn. Ruan told me and Rita you are responsible for our child's faith. It always has stuck with me and I thought it meant just to teach him but it was to show him. So often in our culture we have taken on his idea that it is the Church's responsibility to instruct the children. We assume that they can go and be taught about the faith. This is false though as parents we are responsible for their faith as husbands men are the domestic priests. As the priests it our responsibility to teach our children the faith must most of all it is our ultimate responsibility to show them the faith. Imprinting is how child's personality beings forming right away and who they are is given to them at a early age. My biggest problem that I hear people say is “I want them to learn about Jesus themselves I do not want to force them into anything.” This is the cultural flaw we make. You make a child go to mass? I would ask you do you have to make yourself or to mass or do you show joy and excitement for our Lord in the precious bread and wine. Not to say that at times that children are not difficult in mass and sometimes overfilled with the Holy Spirit. Children imprint themselves in what they see in us as parents. I see this is Josh and how he wants to do things that mom and dad do. As parents we should show our children that mass and living our faith is who we are not just something we do. Children will imprint what they see if they see that our faith is important they will want to partake in that. At a time when a child is in his formative years why would we want to push something off that is so important and is not only important but is essential. I would not want to be responsible for having to look my Lord in the face and say to him that I did not want to pressure my child into his faith. Our faith is not something we do on Sunday it is not something that describes us. It should be something that defines us in a culture where so much pressure is put on being the best or faith calls us to something different and we should be willing to teach our children that.

God Bless

mac & cheesy!

As most of you know, I LOVE mac and cheese. My dear friends, not sure if you understand this OBSESSION! After Joshie was born I ate it morning, noon and night. I wasn't on a hunt for a new recipe for it but came across several pins that said to boil your pasta in milk. That THAT is the secret. And THAT is correct my friends. It is creamy, tasty and quick (ok so not as quick as easy mac but you dont have all the weird stuff you cant pronounce in it either)! Here is the recipe,

16oz pasta (I use elbow but I am sure little shells would work too)
2 cups milk
1 cup water
2 cups cheese
Salt

Boil the pasta in the milk and; water. When it starts to boil turn to low, stirring often. You gotta watch it because milk can boil over very quickly (causing more clean up). It boils for about 20 minutes then check it out and see if it is done. Turn off the heat and; add cheese & salt. Serve!

The boys (including Duke) approve this recipe.

Dear sin, I hate your stinking guts..

I hate sin, I assume we all do.

Tonight your sin affected me. Yes yours. And tonight, my sin affects you. No sin ever affects just the person committing it. I found something tonight, something that highlighted and made obvious a past sin of someone. It hurt my heart so badly. I was sharing with Marc why it hurt so bad and then BOOM again, I was bombarded on Facebook by someones diarrhea of the mouth and there it goes again. That sin, it sure knows how to get around and it sure knows how to get to me. Your sin made me angry, disappointed by your lack of virtue which further disappointed me into despair. Ah, this downward spiral....and here I am not even knowing how you feel.

I may not know your sins and I don't care too. What I do know is this, your sins affect you too. It binds you in slavery away from God.

Separates you from God. That is sin.

How can we not hate it?

Back to my discovery.

This discovery for a brief moment caused judgement in my heart towards someone. Following that was great grief. I was explaining to Marc how much it hurts me to know that someone is sinning. It always has. I am sure this is just a minuscule glimpse of the way God feels when I sin. Working in ministry it is hard to detach myself from the hurt that people feel from there sins. It is something I strive to do not only as a Youth Minister but as a human but then that is just it,

I am human and your hurt hurts me too.

I have been blessed (even if sometimes it doesn't feel that way) to have a great maternal care. I TRULY care about each person I encounter, even if I can stand them. I strive to see Christ in each person I encounter. I pray that they see Him in me too.

I find comfort in knowing that God comforts, He doesn't give me discouragement. God gives his mercy, not condemnation. For me and for you, for all who ask of it.

I also find comfort in our Blessed Mother, I love the verse in Luke (2:35), when Jesus is presented at the temple, Simeon tells Mary that her heart will be pierced. Mary's heart was broken when her son was  nailed to a tree because of our sins. I cling to her tightly when I feel overwhelmed by the effects of sin.

In fact, I cling to her and her son tightly. I can't imagine the heartache I would cause myself if I didn't.

Still Hopeful in You

+Rita

Two and through?

I get asked the question often, "are you going to try for a girl?" Or I hear  "you have two little boys, why would you want more? "

Would I like to have a girl, sure, would I like another boy, sure why not? I look at my little boy Joshie and think about how I cant imagine my life without him here. We were surprised to find out that we were pregnant with Jacob (NFP works, we knew what we were getting into). It was scary to know that we were going to have another kid when we were still adjusting to life with one child!  So we welcomed Baby Jacob with open arms and again, we cannot imagine our lives without him. I see Joshie and Jacob playing with each other and think of what JPII said "the greatest gift you can give your child is a sibling".  That is so true. Joshie has a partner, a friend, someone to tell his secrets to, someone to confide in when he feels like he needs a brother to listen to him. It is a beautiful thing to have children. 

I imagine however many children God blesses us with we will feel the same no matter what. When Marc and I create a child God creates a soul. We help God in creating when we have children! God creates a soul in each of us upon conception. How beautiful is that to think about!

So why would we want more? Because that is what we are called to do! We have been called to the married life and in that, bring forth life. Either by conception or adoption. My heart is filled with joy thinking about our children (here now) and the ones in the future (if God wills it).

How can we afford the kids? Who cares. My favorite bible verse is in Proverbs chapter 31. It says "she is clothed in dignity and laughs at the days to come". God has taken care of our family and will continue to do so. I trust in God that He will take care of our future. I can feel it inside of me.

So with the two boys we have now, if that is all we are called to have so be it. If we have more, than God's will always be done and we will welcome them.

Mother Teresa said "how can you say that it is too many children, that is like saying there are too many flowers".  We will cling to that.

Until the next time....

ps...no Mom, I am not pregnant. I think.