Faith

I have always thought I had faith but as I grow older I realize how little my faith is. I for so long believed in God and knew that he loved me but I always felt that something was missing. What it was was a fear to let go and trust in God. trust is faith often times I feel that God was showing me that he was watching over my family and he would give us little signs and I would thank him but it was too hard to completely trust him. The hardest thing about taking that leap of faith though is how far God will push you to see if you will really trust him. As I have begun to surrender myself to him I feel that he is either testing me or or allowing the evil one to test me much like Job he wants to see if I truly trust him. At times it has become hard and where I would normally become angry or frustrated or stressed I have done what as always been so difficult for me. RESORT TO PRAYER,  prayer has always been difficult for me trusting in God has always been difficult for me but now God has called my bluff and at times seems as if he is forcing my hand to see if I really do trust him. Total surrender is difficult for me it at times seems counter intuitive as a man; a man never surrenders because that shows you are weak. But I am weak and I need my God and although I think I can do it all on my own I cannot. Having children has shown me what that looks likes. Josh and Jacob both try to be so independent but are not fully and although they can do something’s ultimately still rely on me and Rita. The interesting thing is that they always trust that we can fix and do anything for them. Maybe that is what childlike faith is supposed to be. Not so much a wonder of God like a child has but a trust in him that he will let us fall to learn and he will let us try on our own o grown but that no matter what when we need help he is always there. That is what I see as faith, is knowing that I will always have a God who will take care of me.